Parents often want to separate kids when they are fighting. It can be so much easier. We try and do the opposite. The kids are stuck together until they work it out. This teaches them not to walk away from their problems. It teaches them how to solve problems they have with each other. This will give them tools for solving relationship problems outside of the home. We don’t want them to enter a marriage and want to run away when a problem arises. Luckily, at the younger ages, my kids disagreements seem to be short lived and easily forgiven. As kids get older, this might mean spending a lot of time together until they can learn to enjoy each other. If they’re not working it out between themselves, you can aid in finding solutions. However, if they refuse to work it out and forgive, they’re stuck together for quite some time.
I completely agree. We’ve been doing “time-ins” when the kids argue and it’s been so much more effective to teach them to get along and not argue. I think it also spills over and generates kindness and a loving attitude towards each other in general. Way to go Mom!
Before I started this “gig” as a mom, I was a kindergarten teacher. One thing I had in my classroom was a “Peace Mat” It was basically a cute place mat I found at the dollar store. If I had two kiddos that were arguing or fighting, they had to both stand on the Peace Mat facing each other until they could work out their issues. Sometimes it worked in that they talked about and solved their problem, the other times it worked simply because they just started giggling and forgot what the problem was because they were so close to each other.
Fighting was always handled inappropriately when I was growing up, with my parents leading the way to escalation. I decided that when I became a mom, I would work hard to keep my children together and help them learn that they could work through their problems. It was also important to me for them to find the good in each other. Consequently, when my kids were growing up and would fight, I would make them face each, hold hands and the offender (or both kids if they were equally to blame) would sing “You Are My Sunshine”–just the chorus. Then, they would have to give a certain number of compliments. The number of compliments were based on how bad the fight had been. The most was 10 nice things. By the time they got to number 10, the fight had gone right out of them. It was an interesting exercise in learning to both seek and get forgiveness.
I love the idea of having them sing “You Are My Sunshine.” That must lighten the whole thing up. We do the compliments as well – 1 mean thing said = 3 compliments. Did you do it when they got older too? I can just imagine teenage kids doing it, and it makes me laugh. Thanks for stopping by!
I wish that I could give glowing reports about their relationships as teenagers. My son (the oldest) had many personal challenges and made poor choices for many years which impacted the family in very stressful ways. My daughters were good to each other and tried to be kind to their brother. It was a very difficult challenge for them (the girls) and at times the best answer was to avoid contact with him. However, in the past two years and with much effort on everyone’s part, those childhood lessons have re-blossomed and each one tries to be kind and thoughtful of the others. The ability to compliment each other seems to come easily to them and wounds from the past are healing.